12/28/21

These last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Packing up my newly created life in San Diego, saying my “see you laters” and driving back to the house I grew up in, in the Bay Area. Encompassed in the walls that brought me safety and harbored a space of love and comfort for many years prior. 

Sitting in my childhood room has a different feel to me now. Besides the fact that the blue, green, and purple walls have not been repainted..”yet” as my mom says :).  I’ve felt very overwhelmed, unable to catch a breath, like life was coming at me 100mph with all of the preparation and packing and “goodbyes” I still have in front of me (someday I’ll stop being a procrastinator…but not today ;p lol). 

It has been quite the change of pace this last week. My parents and I have Covid, (we are all recovering and have had mostly mild symptoms, Praise God! Thank you for all the prayers!) even though I’ve been unable to leave the house I still feel myself running. Like I’m still unable to catch a breath. These last couple days have consisted of a lot of conversations with God, asking him to reveal to me “what am I running from?”

It wasn’t hard to realize when I accepted the truth that it’s myself that I’ve been running from. Not allowing any stillness because I’ve been scared of what might creep in or more honestly what might be found in the darkness … I’ll circle back to this.

I’m currently sitting on my bed, staring at my chalk painted purple closet doors … Coolest thing ever I know, at least I used to think (still do :)). I wrote on them when I was 18, a senior in high school. Now, 5 years later they still have the same attempt to be artsy cursive on them, exactly the same, nothing erased. 

Looking back on the girl I was when I wrote this all I remember is trying to spread love and light to every person I’d encounter. Ultimately because I was trying to do this through my own strength I was often left worn out, broken down, jaded, and always feeling like I was running on empty. I lived like I was trying to earn and prove my worthiness. I spent so many years believing that I was unloveable, unqualified, and like I could never show up empty handed — like just me was not good enough. My heart breaks for that girl. The girl that looked for approval and validation in all the wrong places. See, and even though I’ve heard/read “Jesus loves you” hundreds maybe thousands of times, it has spent a lot of time being filed under 'Sunday school concept' in my brain. Nothing more than a statement, something I had known with my brain but not felt in my heart. A major disconnect. 

circling back .. To my surprise and disbelief (at first), the most apparent thing that I have found in my darkness is the light that has been fighting to break through, shining through the cracks. The silence and stillness and lack of movement/business has given me the time to look back through my years, everything it has taken to get me to this exact moment. Sitting back in my childhood room, looking at my same closet doors, only a couple days away from the start of an incredible journey that God has set in motion years before I was even aware (I still can't believe it). I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness, God’s grace, and God’s love. There are uncontrollable tears streaming down my face not just knowing but also feeling how intimately and intentionally known and cared for I am. How the love of God is no longer a concept to just be known, but how experiencing and accepting his perfect love is completely transforming me from the inside out. 

1/7/21

After flight changes, layovers, and one anxious me watching bag after bag come out of the carousel praying mine would be next (it eventually came), my family and I arrived in Atlanta to head to training camp tomorrow morning!! YAY!! It is so surreal to me that we are here and that my bag was *actually* under the weight limit :D. Thank you to everyone who has been reaching out to me in prayer, with encouragement, and support!! Thank you for all of your generous and willing hearts that have supported me financially, I am 95% funded!!! Praise God!! 

“Don’t tell me how big your mountain is. Tell your mountain how BIG your GOD is.” -Benson Idahosa

Y’all I cannot wait to share with you stories of God’s faithfulness, how he uses us, and transforms us on this journey!

Please keep my team and I in your prayers. We have a week of training here in Georgia. Then next stop.. *drum roll please* Guatemala!!!

Hasta luego! God bless you! Praying health over all of you! 

xxx,

Jamie